So Sue Me
by beckyboobearbum
Summary: Crackfic drabble! Do not take too seriously! Esme and Carlisle...the doting, loving, squeaky clean parents? I think not!


**THE FOLLOWING DRABBLE IS OF LITTLE OR NO CONSEQUENCE! ITS A STUPID LITTLE PIECE OF CRACKFIC! **

**I apologise in advance for this :S **

**...see... there was an conversation between me and pixie-tinks83 and it ended with our both agreeing that this (the many words written below) is how Esme really is...behind the butter-wouldn't-melt facade! **

**Please do not take this seriously. It was only meant to placate my crazy assed view of S. Myers original characters... and if you love E please forgive me... **

**Written for pixie-tinks83 and myself ... we giggled so hard! **

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Carlisle looked out over the meadow in which the Cullen family home was tucked away. Watching a cabbage white flutter its way along the bottom of the porch steps and out over the gravel drive to the long grass he appreciated the smell of pine wafting over him in the slight early summer breeze. It was these peaceful moments he cherished. He let out a long contented breath, even though he technically didn't need to, and felt truly at one with his surroundings…

"EMMETT!!!"

…Well, that was before Edward's wonderfully high pitched, feminine screeching…

"EMMETT YOU'VE USED UP ALL MY SPECIAL BUBBLE BATH!"

There were thuds coming from the house behind him. He was sure it was doors slamming…did that sound like the bubble bath bottle being thrown?

"EDWARD MAN, WHAT THE HELL WOULD I WANT YOUR 'SPECIAL' BUBBLE BATH FOR?!"

Ahhh, now Emmett's dulcet tones added to the mix…wonderful.

"MOM!!!"

Carlisle rolled his eyes. Trust Edward to call for his mother. He waited for Esme's smooth calming voice to join in the ruckus.

"Edward, darling…please don't shout, it's unbecoming. And Emmett, dear, don't cuss."

There was a muttered "Sorry mom." and a "I'll keep my voice down." then a few moments silence before the front door softly opened and closed and Esme strode to Carlisle's side.

"Fucking kids." she muttered angrily as she reached into her jeans pocket to pull out her pack of cigarettes.

Carlisle chuckled and deftly fished inside the pocket of his slacks for his zippo lighter. He first lit the cigarette his wife had just given him, then leant over and lit hers. He watched as she took her first drag and smiled.

"Better?"

Esme took two long drags before exhaling then she gave him a rather pointed look. "I swear to god if I could die again, they'd be the fucking death of me."

Carlisle let out a soft chuckle.

"Edwards 'special' bubble bath is all gone…and of course, Emmett has got the blame." she sighed again, taking another pull of nicotine. "Jaspers laughing his ass off too, like a fucking schoolgirl. He doesn't help these situations! I swear he's also fucking with Edwards mood, just because he can, sadistic git."

"You think Jasper did it?" asked Carlisle conversationally. It was highly probable. Jasper liked to mess with Edward as much as Emmett; he was just a lot better at hiding it.

Esme snorted and cocked her head to the side. "No dear, Jasper didn't do it. _I _did it."

A snort of laughter left Carlisle as he registered what she was telling him. "_You_?"

She started to laugh too. "Well…it smelt good…and really, he made such a fuss when he bought it! '_No one can use my bubble bath! It's expensive and specially made for me…no Emmett don't even touch the bottle_…'" she rolled her eyes "So I used it all."

"That's fucking harsh!" laughed Carlisle.

Esme just shrugged "I didn't even use it all…poured some down the sink."

This had both of them in stitches.

"You poured some down the _sink_? Are you fucking _mad_?!" he asked between giggles. "They'll be at each others throats for the rest of the week over this!" he didn't seem too bothered by this fact, and neither did Esme.

"I know!" she sniggered, trying to take another drag and not being able to because she was still laughing "And Emmett just broke his door too!"

They couldn't speak for a few seconds, clutching their sides as they tried to regain some composure. It was Esme who recovered first.

"Well…Edward's gotta stop being such a fricking pussy!"

Carlisle bent over with a fresh wave of giggles. "And why, pres tell, _is_he a fricking pussy?!"

"Nothing to do with me!" denied esme with a smirk.

"Your so cruel to that boy."

Esme just shrugged but her attention was pulled behind her as she heard the sound of someone running down the stairs.

"THATS RIGHT RUN AND TELL MOM YOU PRISSY BASTARD!!! NEXT TIME YOU GET SOME I'LL PISS IN THE FUCKING BOTTLE!"

"Shit, here he comes." she mumbled quickly, stomping out her fag and urging Carlisle to do the same. A quick squirt of something out of her pocket and she smelt like lavender again.

The door opened quickly and the face of her 'youngest' appeared.

"Mom, Emmett used my bubble bath! You know the one from that shop down in Port Angeles that charges, like, $20 a bottle! He used it all as well! How can you use a whole bottle of bubble bath in one go?! He's denying it but I know it was him! I can tell! It's always him!"

Esme sighed. "Edward."

Edward stopped and looked pleadingly at her. Sometimes he acted like such a girl.

"Edward sometimes you act like such a girl!"

The look on Edwards face was that of a stunned rabbit. "Mom?"

She clucked her tongue and turned away from him "I'll talk to Emmett about it, perhaps he thought it smelt nice and drank it."

Carlisle stifled a chuckled.

Edward gasped. "Do you think he did?! Oh he _so_ would mom, he'd _so do that_, just to spite me!"

She held up a hand to stop him from talking. "Your father and I were speaking Edward. Run along and try not to think about it ok? I'll talk to your brother; see if I can't get him to confess…" she ignored the derisive snort from her husband.

"Would you?"

She shooed him back inside and turned her back to the door. "I swear to fucking god that kid needs to grow a pair."

"So how will you get Emmett to confess to this horrible crime he committed?" asked Carlisle as he shook his head in amusement.

An angelic grin spread across the beautiful face of his wife as she said. "Well…he'll be getting that 24/7 football channel he's been bugging us about."

"And he'll confess? Don't you think he'll ask why he's confessing to something he didn't do?!"

Esme tutted and shook her head. "No, Carlisle you prune. Emmett will get that channel to keep denying it. Edward hates it when he doesn't own up to stuff."

"You're one evil bitch, you know that right?!"

Esme shrugged and sat down on the step. "So sue me."


End file.
